- They only reach out when they need something from you.
- They see you under stress but add to your burdens rather than ease them.
- They show no interest in what excites you despite knowing what you care about.
- They blame others for their problems while failing to see their own.
- They make you feel replaceable.
- They disregard the activities or outlets that rejuvenate you.
- They shift their attention away from you the moment someone they deem “more important” enters the room.
- They escalate minor disagreements into major conflicts.
- They repeatedly forget details you’ve shared, showing a lack of genuine interest.
- They never seem appreciative of your efforts or presence.
- They struggle to either seek forgiveness or forgive others.
- They begrudge sharing even a small treat like chips and queso.
The term “red flag” is universally recognized as warning us of danger, a signal to use caution. Historically, it originated from battlefields where a red flag signaled impending combat or life-threatening perils (like a field of landmines).
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology that you never got.”
–Robert Brault
Recently, I received an email from author/blogger Jay Papasan about red flags to look for in people. Jay listed 12 behavioral red flags that signal danger in relationships as opposed to on the battlefield (sometimes relationships and battlefields are synonymous).
“When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to paint a different picture.”
–Tony Gaskins Jr.
I thought Jay’s relationship red flags were so insightful that I shared them with Teresa and our family. Everybody responded with a thumbs-up, so I thought I’d share them with my readers.
Just as the nose becomes numb to a scent worn daily, our perceptions can become dulled to warning signs from people we regularly interact with. Often this requires an external warning trigger—the advice of a friend, a significant life event, or applying the red flag relationship test—to make us take action and perform a personal extraction.
“Never allow someone to be a priority while allowing yourself to be an option.”
–Mark Twain
In his email to me Jay quoted one of the best sales trainers of all time, Jim Rohn: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” While this may normally be true, a bad apple in the five can have a disproportionately bad effect on the other four.
“Bad relationships are like a TV show you can’t stand but keep watching anyway.”
–Unknown
The personal conclusion I’ve reached is to more frequently evaluate those who impact my life, paying special attention to, as Jim Rohn advises, those closest to me. When circumstances such as work or family dynamics necessitate my interaction with people who are selfish and self-serving, I will be more vigilant. And now, thanks to Jay, I have metrics to apply, a people-defense warning system… the red flag relationship test.
