It was a Tuesday night at Olive Garden.
He showed up wearing leather pants.
She showed up wondering if this was some elaborate social experiment.
I wasn't there, but let's be honest — we've all seen this guy. He slid into that booth like he was auditioning for a backup dancer role in an early 2000s music video. She blinked. Slowly. He grinned like a man who'd been practicing this moment in his bathroom mirror for weeks.
Without asking what she wanted, he ordered for both of them, told her his "love language" was dominance, then leaned across the bread sticks and whispered, "You'll never meet another man like me." She hoped that was true.
How We Got Here
Men have been trying to impress women since the beginning of time. Back in the day, guys showed up with spears and maybe a nice mammoth they'd killed. Straightforward. Effective. No ambiguity about what you were getting.
Then came the Victorian era with its slow-burn romance and poetry. A guy might spend months working up the courage to hold a woman's gloved hand.
These days? A guy will send a shirtless bathroom selfie to someone he met three minutes ago at Starbucks with the caption, "hey, beautiful."
Technology sped everything up, but the core strategy hasn't changed: stand out, seem impressive, try not to get immediately rejected.
But somewhere along the way, guys started overthinking it.
Where Things Go Spectacularly Wrong
Here's the thing about guys: when it comes to women, we're all natural marketers. We just... enhance things a little.
These aren't made up. These are Tuesday nights across America.
The Fire Hose Approach:
She gives him her number at 8 PM. By 8:15, he's sent:
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A thank you text
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Three photos of his dog
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A voice memo of him playing guitar
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A TikTok video he found funny
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A philosophical quote because he's "deep"
This guy doesn't understand pacing. He's like someone trying to water a plant with a pressure washer.
The Job Interview:
Some guys treat first dates like they're conducting a performance review: "So where do you see yourself in five years?" "What's your biggest weakness?" "Tell me about a time you overcame a challenge."
Dude, she just wanted dinner, not a career counseling session.
The One-Man Show:
This guy talks exclusively about himself. Often in the third person. "Mike's been through a lot, you know? Mike's building something special. Mike doesn't do drama."
Mike also doesn't ask questions or seem to realize there's another person at the table.
The Leather Pants Philosophy:
Not everyone literally wears leather pants, but we all know this guy. He's trying so hard to be edgy and mysterious that he circles back to uncomfortable.
The leather pants are just a symbol representing every guy who thinks women want mystery and danger but delivers awkwardness and secondhand embarrassment.
What Actually Works
Here's the plot twist that most guys miss: it's rarely the big performance that wins someone over.
It's usually the guy who:
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Listens intently when she talks
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Smells like soap, not desperation
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Asks real questions about her life
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Doesn't use clothes to be interesting
The best guys are like good brands: clear, authentic, easy to understand. They don't promise features they can't deliver, and they don't need gimmicks to get your attention.
So, what qualifies me to write about romantic marketing? Simple: a guy who once wore leather pants somehow convinced Teresa to marry me.
